Two weeks ago today I said a mutual “so long” to my best friend and boyfriend, and we broke up after being together for a year and a half. It was the right decision and I’m proud of us for being so mature and responsible, but the last two weeks have been some of the worst days of my life.
Everything reminds me of him. Everything. I just looked out the window and saw two people biking, and that did it. You don’t realize how much you share with someone until you aren’t sharing it anymore.
And I didn’t anticipate just how lonely I would be. I knew I would be going to bed alone every night and have no family suppers on Sundays, but there are a hundred other things I didn’t expect – having no one to tell a funny story to, looking at my phone and not having a text asking “how was the game?” Watching a show on Netflix alone, and having no one to talk to about it even though it’s really good.
Today, for the first time in two weeks, I decided to wake up and act like a normal person. I went for a run and actually ate (a late) breakfast. I’ve eaten and slept very little the last two weeks, and probably eaten more junk food than real food. Plus a fair amount of wine.
I’ve journaled a lot and cried a lot. I’ve come to the conclusion that it should be a social norm to bring someone casserole when they go through a breakup, because sometimes they can’t find the will to cook for themselves. I’ve even worked through some guilt at being so miserable, because I know I have it pretty good – a young, healthy, person living in a democratic and safe country, with a job and access to food and clean water. How can I be miserable, and cry so much, when there are people in the world whose situations are far worse than mine? How can I say I’ve lost something special when there are people losing someone special every single day?
Although I don’t have answers to those questions, I decided that my grief was legitimate and I’m going to let myself go through the process of dealing with it, or I won’t be any use to anyone. Of course, I have no idea how to deal with it (other than cry), but I’m taking it one day at a time – sometimes less.
So why post this? It’s partly selfish, a way to have fewer of the “oh, we broke up,” conversations, but mostly, it’s because this is normal for me. I love blogging and today I’m acting like a normal human. No guarantees for tomorrow, because we haven’t gotten there yet, but today, I’m going to be okay. There have been tears and Oreos and wine (yes, all today), and there will probably be lots more days with some or all of them, but in the end I’m going to make it. I’m not a quitter, and giving up is not an option. This is happening, and it’s terrible, but eventually I’m going to be okay.