For more than a year now, I’ve told people I’m going to be rich. Usually when I say that, I’m talking about money, although it really could apply to a rich life – spending time with family and friends, doing work I enjoy.
Sometimes I feel so far away from my goals that it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever achieve any of them, much less hit them all. Sometimes it feels like I’m walking backward, or I’ll have a summer like this one and look at my bank account and throw up my hands in despair at my own idiocy.
But life is made up of habits, and habits are the choices you’ve made so many times that you don’t even know you’re making them anymore. And I’m afraid, terrified really, that my choices add up to someone mediocre, who won’t ever amount to anything, and that one day I’ll wake up and realize it’s too late. It’s something that’s scared me for a while, but I keep on making the same choices: staying up too late, procrastinating, watching tv instead of working on my creative projects.
I keep on making the same choices and bumming around and being afraid and trying not to think about being afraid, all the while being a little ashamed of myself for not facing my fears and getting out there and doing something with my time. But instead of making a difference I just KEEP ON DOING THE SAME OLD THING.
So, no more. Change that’s all at once usually isn’t sustainable, so I’m not going to vow a full life change, but I want to stop procrastinating things and start keeping promises to myself.
This is happening, people. Jenna, wake up. This is happening.