I realized something today, while I was sitting at my desk. I was doing nothing remarkable, in fact, I had just moved my pad of sticky notes back to their usual place and picked up my pen to make a note of something.
I felt busy, occupied, focused, and useful. I caught myself smiling. At work. At my desk. For no particular reason. And I realized something: I am happy.
Normally I’m a happy person, but the last half of 2015 was a tough time for me. Losing my best friend (when we broke up) and his entire family’s presence in my life has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. The second half of the year, I was lonely a lot. My injury in September made it difficult to stay active (and gain the benefits of those endorphins), and I cried much more easily than usual.
Don’t get me wrong, friends, there were a lot of good times too, but my mental and emotional well-being weren’t very ‘well’ at all. For a long time it felt as if getting better would discredit the relationship I cared so much about, like if I was “okay” it meant we hadn’t mattered. You know, like the song lyrics that say “if what we had was real, then how could you be fine?”
This obviously isn’t true, and I knew it wasn’t, but it is how I felt, which I acknowledged to myself. I never tried to hinder my own healing, but it definitely took longer than I expected. Maybe, just maybe, I’m getting back to normal* and my usually-cheery self. It doesn’t mean that the relationship didn’t matter, and it doesn’t even mean it’ll never hurt again. But like one of my friends told me, “eventually the good days outnumber the bad ones.” It happened so slowly I didn’t even notice, and here I am, grinning to myself for no reason.
It’s been so long! Took me quite by surprise, but it was a nice surprise. I’ll take it.
*Jenna normal is hardly normal normal, but I sure like it!